Hope

I am struck by how many times I have began a post over the past month, only to find myself irritated beyond belief, unable to write. I am a person with so many words fluttering around in my head. I always have something to say.

I have been so angry lately. Angry at my situation. Angry that nothing seems to ever change, regardless of so much effort; so much time and energy. The truth is the enemy reopened a door from my past. Even though I did not walk through that door, my heart and emotions still fell right back into a dark pit - just where the enemy wants me, with questions swirling all around me. I felt like I was on a pursuit again. I was deceived. I was just in a decorated pit.

Injustice is so hard. My wonderful husband is always reminding our children that life is not fair. He is so right. I am grateful that it is not fair, my eternity with my Precious Redeemer would not be sealed if life were fair. I just have the hardest time keeping myself calm and quiet when it affects my precious little ones. And, I am fiercely protective of one. She just seems to get the raw end of most deals. Or at least it seems so, in my feeble, narrow-minded thoughts.

There I go again, speaking without permission, without full understanding.

"He was oppressed and He was afflicted,
Yet He opened not His mouth;
He was led as a lamb to the slaughter,
And as a sheep before its shearers is silent,
So He opened not His mouth." Isaiah 53:7

In my anger, and word-filled mind, I haven't had an unoccupied thought to see even a glimpse of His plan. I finally surrendered today and listened. Oh, how I am humbled!

My precious Joy truly doesn't qualify for any medical assistance in this state according to how the waivers are written. She has been deemed by our insurance company, and the state as "unworthy" to receive any speech, occupational, or physical therapies. Yet, she doesn't speak intelligibly, has extreme problems with simple tasks such as eating, toileting, and writing, and must wear leg braces to keep her heels down when she walks. She is eight years old.

I had dreams of becoming a writer, an accomplished artist, teaching again in the projects. I thought I had gladly given it all up for the call to teach my own children. These dreams have resurfaced so much lately; the enemy taunting me, reminding me of the cost of walking away. I have harbored bitterness once again, mostly directed toward myself, for trusting that I would find contentment and deep fulfillment in my calling. I have been angry at the lack of help, the lack of funds to give Meekia the services she needs. I have been walking in denial as I watch one of my little ones starting to follow in similar patterns as Meekia with her sensory system. I have felt so overwhelmed, so unworthy of the challenge. I have been faithfully following His lead and no one is noticing, or cares.

A shift in perspective is just what I've been needing.

In my surrender, He has been delivering small accolades all day. Just maybe, this blog qualifies me to call myself an "author". If not, the countless letters I've written to help provide funding for my girls music classes, or the new special needs park right down the street counts. My artwork has sold, in auctions to provide needed therapy services to my girls and others. He has given me opportunities to create logos, paint murals. And, I do teach every day. My children are not currently living in the projects, but three of them very well could be. Hasn't He been faithful to bring all my dreams to fruition?

And just maybe, I can start to grasp the reality that He really chose me to be the speech therapist, the occupational therapist, and the physical therapist to my precious Joy - and I don't have to be paid.

He has been tugging on a rope all day, slowly pulling me up from this empty, dry well. Thank You dear Lord Jesus for not giving up on me! I am Yours. I remember that early 2 a.m. morning, four years ago, when You called me to boldly lay it all down, be quiet before others, and follow You into this current path of teaching my precious ones. I cherish the remembrance of hope You embedded into the core of my heart. I promised to follow where You lead. Thank You for never letting go and holding me to my promise.

As I look towards You, with my face pointed like a flint, I can hear Your words dear Lord. Thank You for noticing. (Isaiah 50:7; Isaiah 43:10; Heb. 13:5; Jer. 23:5)