Psalm 37

Psalm 37 - I keep reading over and over again. Sweet, sweet manna for my weary soul! I fear that in my "waiting", I have failed to patiently rest (Ps. 37:7). Resting is just not in my nature.

He knows my circumstances and continues to provide (Ps. 37:18). Who am I to question? The truth is, the past week of rest as we celebrated Thanksgiving, Joy has been glowing. She had opportunity to watch deer eat, and relished every moment. She relaxed, watched movies, played games, and snuggled to her heart's content. She has attached herself to a few new SuperWhy toys and is the happiest I've seen her in a long while. She drew a picture for her friend at church yesterday morning and wrote her friend's name on the picture. Her first legible name! Her signing has increased, as she is excited to communicate. She has much to say, and is delighted when I understand her words. Once again, I see a pattern. Sensory Trauma leads to great cognitive growth. She is in an intellectual growth spurt again. A true gift from God to my gracious heart. I love glimpsing into her world.

Ps. 37:23-24, "The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD, And He delights in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; For the LORD upholds him with His hand."

Every step in her own time, perfectly orchestrated by our gracious Father. My heart is overwhelmed with love and joy at the thought that He "delights" in Joy. He "delights" in me when I walk with Him, rely on Him, wait on Him, ... rest in Him. He even "delights" in me when I stumble, fall down, and humbly hold my ashamed hands up to Him. He always holds me - never lets go. Ps. 37:34 says to wait on the LORD. I am reminded that to wait on the LORD is an act of faith. I know He created Joy perfectly with His purpose. I pray I am diligent to wait on Him, surging on with faith. Happiness and rest are necessary for traveling together on this journey.

The Long Defeat

I worked, listening to an old CD by Sara Groves last week and fell into a chair on #10, silent streams flowing down my cheeks. Did she write this song just for me? Truthfully, sometimes there is no strength, no ideas, no motivation. The battle ensues, but the warrior needs rest.

i have joined the long defeat
that falling set in motion
and all my strength and energy
are raindrops in the ocean
so conditioned for the win
to share in victor's stories
but in the place of ambition's din
i have heard of other glories

*and i pray for an idea
and a way i cannot see
it's too heavy to carry
and impossible to leave*

i can't just fight when i think i'll win
that's the end of all belief
and nothing has provoked it more
than a possible defeat

**

we walk a while we sit and rest
we lay it on the altar
i won't pretend to know what's next
but what i have i've offered

*and i pray for a vision
and a way i cannot see
it's too heavy to carry
and impossible to leave
and i pray for inspiration
and a way i cannot see
it's too heavy to carry
and impossible to leave
it's too heavy to carry
and i will never leave*

Sara Groves

"...I have fought the long defeat...and I'm not going to stop because we keep losing...We want to be on the winning team, but at the risk of turning our backs on the losers, no, it's not worth it." Tracy Kidder

I am weary of fighting, of trying to prove I am capable. I am weary of trying to prove the worthiness of Joy. She is worthy - no title, diagnosis, denial of benefits, will every change her worth. We have had so many "no's" lately. I honestly don't know how we will provide for her needs, and today, I am too tired to battle.

I need only look at my precious Joy and I know the fight will return. This warrior just needs to lay down her swords and rest a bit. "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28