The Long Defeat

I worked, listening to an old CD by Sara Groves last week and fell into a chair on #10, silent streams flowing down my cheeks. Did she write this song just for me? Truthfully, sometimes there is no strength, no ideas, no motivation. The battle ensues, but the warrior needs rest.

i have joined the long defeat
that falling set in motion
and all my strength and energy
are raindrops in the ocean
so conditioned for the win
to share in victor's stories
but in the place of ambition's din
i have heard of other glories

*and i pray for an idea
and a way i cannot see
it's too heavy to carry
and impossible to leave*

i can't just fight when i think i'll win
that's the end of all belief
and nothing has provoked it more
than a possible defeat

**

we walk a while we sit and rest
we lay it on the altar
i won't pretend to know what's next
but what i have i've offered

*and i pray for a vision
and a way i cannot see
it's too heavy to carry
and impossible to leave
and i pray for inspiration
and a way i cannot see
it's too heavy to carry
and impossible to leave
it's too heavy to carry
and i will never leave*

Sara Groves

"...I have fought the long defeat...and I'm not going to stop because we keep losing...We want to be on the winning team, but at the risk of turning our backs on the losers, no, it's not worth it." Tracy Kidder

I am weary of fighting, of trying to prove I am capable. I am weary of trying to prove the worthiness of Joy. She is worthy - no title, diagnosis, denial of benefits, will every change her worth. We have had so many "no's" lately. I honestly don't know how we will provide for her needs, and today, I am too tired to battle.

I need only look at my precious Joy and I know the fight will return. This warrior just needs to lay down her swords and rest a bit. "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28