Lately, Joy and I have been taking some time off from our normal school routine. I realize that I have been pushing so hard in one direction, while she is pushing hard in another. Being the parent and adult, I want to win in this contest. I'm finally realizing that giving in to her push could possibly be a win-win situation for us both.
I'm ashamed to admit, I have struggled lately with provision for Joy. I ask the hard questions when the needs arise and we cannot financially provide for them all. I've shut down, for all practical purposes, giving in to the hopeless feelings and grief. I was asked recently what exactly I grieve in regards to Meekia. Do I grieve her disabilities, her delays? No. I truly believe God created her perfect. Do I grieve her future? No. Again, I know God created her with a specific purpose in mind. He has a special place and job for her in this world. I grieve not being able to give her all she needs. I grieve watching my husband work so hard, and watching the money fly away so quickly. I grieve the amount of energy that seems spent in futility when I'm exhausted at the end of the day. I want to give her the world.
"For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways," says the LORD.
"For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9
Praise God! He is in control, and I never have been. I pray for understanding, and I stand on the promise that He will give me wisdom if I diligently seek it with all my heart. I must look to the Lord for help, to be my Savior. The Lord always goes before me. (Psalm 121:1-2)
Little Promise and Faith are two and a half now and, this week, have started going "pee-pee" on the potty. I dreaded potty-training, and therefore did not try hard until little Faith kept having a dry diaper and went in the potty every time I let her go. I've taken her cues and Faith is dry every single diaper change! With little "doing" on my part, she is overcoming and meeting an important milestone in her life. She is doing it in her time, with no frustration. I am so proud of her, and little Promise who is soon to be there as well. This is a powerful lesson again for me of just how difficult Joy's body can be, and how well she handles her frustrations with the lack of control she must desperately desire. Or is it my desperate desire? A good question to ponder....
I Corinthians 13:13 speaks powerfully to me. "And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love." I have faith, hope, and love for/in little Joy - each day in different measures. When faith and hope are sparse feelings though, because I am not perfect and do struggle, does love prevail? Is it the greatest?
I think I'll just sit on the floor with her for a few more days, playing games, reading books, holding her tight. Love prevails. I just have to trust in my Jesus to bring the faith and hope in His timing.
