Speaking Donkey

For the past six weeks I have been brainstorming ways to earn a little extra money.

The truth is, we are at a place where we should stop therapies for Joy for a while. Financially, the money just isn't here, and we cannot continue to increase our debt. Of course, when these times hit, everything else starts to fall apart as well. Our couch died last week. We also seem to have a few house-related issues that need attention now.

So, I decided to put my boots on and pull up the straps! Nevermind I have no free time, or really time to think. After all, I have a college degree, some talent, and the marathoners determination to do just about anything necessary.

I decided to make handbags. Fun! I'd get the opportunity to be creative while providing a little extra cash. I happily went off to the craft store, spent my Christmas loot on fabric, and blew the dust off my sewing machine. I printed off at least six free patterns and began cutting and ironing fabric in the late night hours. I started with a quilted bag pattern because I actually understood most of the directions. I stitched and quilted away.

My husband inquired about my new found hobby. "I'm so glad to see you using your artistic side again," he said. I rolled my eyes. What does he think I do all day with the kids? He finally asked me why I had so many patterns. I revealed my great plan, to which he commented, "the bags will make great gifts for your nieces. I think you should just have fun and make the bags to give away." Really! He gently reminded me that he is the financial provider, and I am already doing my job well. God is the Ultimate Provider and He will provide for all our needs, in His time.

I know my head understands this, I just want my heart to join the race. I've struggled with much bitterness lately as I've watched my precious child's needs increase, while I am physically and emotionally wearing down. I need the help of her therapists. I need the camaraderie. I just can't understand why we cannot get any assistance. The truth is I am just plain mad and jealous because I see others who receive much more than she needs. I want to be able to provide for all her needs. I want some sense of control again.

This morning, Joy and I read the Bible story, Balaam's Donkey Speaks (Numbers 22:1-40). In this story, Balaam, a prophet, is asked to curse Israel by King Balak in exchange for money. He willingly defies God, who tells him not to curse Israel, and sets out to curse Israel in pursuit of the financial gain. He is stopped finally by his faithful donkey who literally speaks to him after trying to get off the road several times. The donkey could see the angel on the road sent by God to kill Balaam for this evil deed. God had to make Balaam's donkey talk to him before his eyes were opened to see the angel and his future doom.

My conscience whispered, "guilty," and then Jesus whispered, "forgiven". What a merciful and gracious Savior we serve! His plans are perfect, His way is the only way. Sometimes, I guess, I really need the donkey to literally speak. How sad this must make my Heavenly Father when I keep sneaking back to the altar and picking back up what I already laid down.

Honestly, I haven't completed a bag yet! I have this problem with perfectionism, and I need a few tutorials with my sewing machine. I also need a few uninterrupted hours to actually work. This is a dream, and not the place in life I live presently - by His design.

Thank you dear Lord for the bag adventure. It feels good to let the creative juices flow again (even barefoot, without the security of my boots and their straps).