Broken Princesses

I find myself angry that I am back in this place again. I am suffering from severe over analysis paralysis. I cannot seem to shut off my mind, or even feel any sense of accomplishment today (who am I kidding?! the past 6 months!). I am frantically working to get myself out of this place again. I can't find the well. I'm so thirsty!

The questions keep swirling around, fluttering away and back, but not allowing capture. It might not seem so overwhelming if there were just one, or maybe two or three. But there are so many, and I am Martha. I desperately need to be Mary.

I wonder, if I could go back, if I would walk (or run briskly) right past this path, never looking back? Why did I intentionally choose this path? I used to feel invincible. I know the truth now. I do not have the strength to try to defend a lie. I am broken, truly broken. The enemy is dancing over me right now. I wish he'd blow away, along with all the questions.

This path really is beautiful, isn't it? I really gave up everything for a grand purpose? I'm struggling with the reality that even though I know I am to surrender-daily, moment by moment if called to, I am selfish and jealous of the me I wanted to become. I can imagine myself, the princess that I am, dancing, singing, painting before His throne. I want to be beautiful, accomplished, respected, admired. I am so full of pride! Princesses don't clean up poop off walls, wash sheets incessantly, repeat the same words over and over again, constantly redirect broken little ones. Princesses don't have to keep a strict routine, or pay the consequences. Princesses don't yell!

The enemy is whispering, "you're not a princess". He's such a liar. I am a princess! Jesus gave up His life to give me this title, this gift. He adopted me. I adopted them. He adopted me because He loves me, wants to be with me, cherishes me. He didn't just adopt me to save me. I adopted for the same purpose. I selfishly love them, want them to be with me, cherish them. I didn't just want to save them. I want them to love me.

I am just like them.

Everything they do to me has been done to Him, quite possibly and probably by me. I praise Him for His patience and tender kindness towards me. In a perfect world, they would not be broken, nor would I. (Ps. 34:18)