Silence

I have been silent for so long, I almost don't know where to start. As a child, I was taught if I didn't have something nice to say, I should keep my precious mouth shut! I suppose I haven't had nice words to say. I praise my precious Jesus, He has been my constant companion as I've traveled through the past few months. I chose to share my feelings and un-nice words with Him. And, as He promised, He listened, and in His timing, is healing. I have grown more spiritually in the past 6 months than I have in my entire Christian walk. I am in awe and astounded at His love, patience, and care. He loves me - not because I am a good teacher, not because I keep my house in order, not because I work out every day, not because I obey Him. He loves me - not because I'm beautiful, not because I have a heart for orphans, not because I will work tirelessly to get the job done, not because I have lived up to expectations. He loves me - not because I'm a good mother, not because I'm a good wife, not because I'm a good daughter/sister, not because I'm the best friend. He just loves me, and for the first time I have allowed His love to fill all my hollow places. (Psalm 66:20, Psalm 51:12, Psalm 34:18, Psalm 139:17-18)

So...in a sense, I have been hiding away in my secret place (Psalm 31:20, Psalm 32:7). I'm ready to poke my head out again, but I admit, I'm really not ready to leave.

As usual, Meekia Joy never ceases to amaze me. We are in our 8th week of school and she is doing fabulous. Her enthusiasm for school is addictive. I think we all love school more because of her deep desire to learn. I find myself often, at 8 o'clock in the evening, promising her that we will have school again tomorrow morning-but for now, Mommy needs a break. What an exciting problem to have! Staying on her schedule is of utmost importance to Joy. She has it memorized, and is not easily persuaded to change. She loves the security of her world at home. She is truly thriving.

God has answered prayers in an amazing way...

For the first time in a long while, I feel I have a colleague and true friend on this homeschooling journey. What a blessed gift from God. I spied on, with tear-filled eyes, Joy and my friend's little one holding hands walking down the hallway at Awana. I cherish the embracement of another family. It's more rewarding than walking this path alone.

We also have a friend and new helper weekly. I am in awe of His choice, and am deeply grateful. I am ashamed, I had lost hope that things would ever change. How silly of me to put God in a box! I have traveled to the place I never wanted to go, survived, and now have the ability to fully appreciate the sacrifice she is making to spend time serving my precious little ones, along with me. Tears are streaming down my cheeks. There are really no words adequate to express my gratitude.

God is good (Psalm 100:5). He is unchanging (Mal. 3:6). I praise Him, I am changeable and worthy of His time and attention as I grow.

Alone

Today I stood in front of the "Child with Special Needs" section at Barnes and Noble. I scanned the section for anything new. This section is somewhat familiar to me, as I regularly patronize it. I found books related to some of my precious Joy's needs. Still, no book written that truly describes my Joy - and once again, I felt alone.

I kind of hate alone. Alone conjours up fear. I kind of hate fear. Interestingly, every verse in the Bible I've read regarding fear tells me not to fear because "I am with you." The Great I AM is with me. So...I am not alone.

A wise friend once told me, "there is nothing like walking through a trial alone with only your husband and God." Wise, true words.

This Peace

So many words to say, but I'm opting for silence
So many days to live
I think I'm sitting this one out
Cause something I've been chasing finally stopped to let me catch it
Something I've been longing for and dreaming about

It's a whisper in my ear
It's a shiver up my spine
It's the gratitude I feel for all that's right
It's a mystery appeal that's been granted me tonight
This peace

It's something so elusive
Something close but far away
It's the home that I can't live in yet somewhere in outer space
And sometimes I barely miss it when I walk into the room
The curtains are still swaying and I feel the air move

And it whispers in my ear and it shivers up my spine
It's the gratitude I feel for all that's right
It's a mystery appeal that's been granted me tonight
This peace

No time to grab the camera
No time to write it down
Just time enough to breath it in
And linger...

Sara Groves

Cognitve Burst

This little one has kept me on my toes the past month! She's on a cognitive burst ride presently and we are having so much fun. I'm also exhausted, as there is no room in her world to get off of her schedule.

I am so proud of her. As life happens, and we are all forced to stray away from our normal, she is starting to readjust her body herself. It's so very difficult for her. I wanted to give her a standing ovation the other day when her day was upset by a dentist appointment. I told her we were leaving in 10 minutes, and I could see the wheels turning in her brain. She was deep in play and not really willing to walk away from her known play time. I helped her pick up against her will. As I waited for the tantrum, I watched her throw up her arm, gently stomp her foot, and then she grasped her hands together tightly for a squeeze. After a few moments, she accepted a squeeze from me as well. I kept moving. As proud as I was, there are moments when it's better to just keep moving on - praying for the peace to continue. A true gift from God she is! I love watching her grow. Perhaps we are entering a new place...(I hesitate to complete this thought completely...but maybe...).

I'm so encouraged at the positive responses we've had lately from her therapists. We are taking a break from P.T. for a while. She has met all her goals and is progressing nicely. Her favorite outside activity right now is kicking a ball. She couldn't kick a ball over and over again 6 months ago. She is also jumping (yeah!) in the middle of the trampoline. Her focus has increased greatly for her O.T. sessions. She loves to draw in her journal and is writing somewhat legible letters sometimes. What is truly amazing is her ability to retell the story of her journal entries day after day. She is comprehending that she is communicating through her writing and drawings. Maybe she'll turn out to be a girl after her Momma's heart! Her speech patterns are becoming more clear, and her signing is amazing. She is starting to make up signs for words we don't know yet-a prompting that I need to get back on track again, increasing my own signing vocabulary. Her speech sessions are inspiring. She is sequencing, putting sentences together, even reading! Tears are forming in my eyes right now - I'm just so happy to see her in this place I've always known she was capable of reaching. Her speech therapist told me she thought Joy was much further along than she imagined she would be at this time a year ago. My heart swells with pride and hope with this encouragement. She is amazing, and as Beth would say, fantastic!

King David Dancing

O, how I love this little girl!



David and I were teaching Children's Church this past Sunday for the 3rd and 4th graders. Little Joy had to join us due to a terrible, faucet-nose. She was terribly disappointed - Children's Church for her age is one of her favorite places to be. I had all the kids sitting around me on the floor, deep in discussion, when Ms. Kristen walked in to lead us in music worship. As the boys and girls stood up and began dividing themselves into boys and girls (isn't it great how they can't stand to sit by each other at this age?!), little Joy jumped up in great anticipation. She found a place right in front, in the middle of the boys and girls, and danced and sang with all her heart.



I observed the 3rd and 4th graders responses. Some looked on with shock, while others giggled quietly. Her brother glanced at her and smiled in approval. She knew all the words and actions for every song. She even slipped in a few of the accurate ASL signs. She truly lit up the room with joy as she worshipped God in her own sincere, unreserved way.



Tears filled my eyes, and I noticed David was visibly moved as well. She reminded me of King David dancing and singing as the Ark of the Covenant was returned to its rightful home (2 Samuel 6:14). What a true gift of praise she presented to Our Heavenly Father! She taught me a valuable lesson of unashamed worship.



Wouldn't you know, our lesson for the morning was about worshipping God with our whole hearts. Isn't God so great? He didn't even need to use my examples. He was happy to provide His own.

Speaking Donkey

For the past six weeks I have been brainstorming ways to earn a little extra money.

The truth is, we are at a place where we should stop therapies for Joy for a while. Financially, the money just isn't here, and we cannot continue to increase our debt. Of course, when these times hit, everything else starts to fall apart as well. Our couch died last week. We also seem to have a few house-related issues that need attention now.

So, I decided to put my boots on and pull up the straps! Nevermind I have no free time, or really time to think. After all, I have a college degree, some talent, and the marathoners determination to do just about anything necessary.

I decided to make handbags. Fun! I'd get the opportunity to be creative while providing a little extra cash. I happily went off to the craft store, spent my Christmas loot on fabric, and blew the dust off my sewing machine. I printed off at least six free patterns and began cutting and ironing fabric in the late night hours. I started with a quilted bag pattern because I actually understood most of the directions. I stitched and quilted away.

My husband inquired about my new found hobby. "I'm so glad to see you using your artistic side again," he said. I rolled my eyes. What does he think I do all day with the kids? He finally asked me why I had so many patterns. I revealed my great plan, to which he commented, "the bags will make great gifts for your nieces. I think you should just have fun and make the bags to give away." Really! He gently reminded me that he is the financial provider, and I am already doing my job well. God is the Ultimate Provider and He will provide for all our needs, in His time.

I know my head understands this, I just want my heart to join the race. I've struggled with much bitterness lately as I've watched my precious child's needs increase, while I am physically and emotionally wearing down. I need the help of her therapists. I need the camaraderie. I just can't understand why we cannot get any assistance. The truth is I am just plain mad and jealous because I see others who receive much more than she needs. I want to be able to provide for all her needs. I want some sense of control again.

This morning, Joy and I read the Bible story, Balaam's Donkey Speaks (Numbers 22:1-40). In this story, Balaam, a prophet, is asked to curse Israel by King Balak in exchange for money. He willingly defies God, who tells him not to curse Israel, and sets out to curse Israel in pursuit of the financial gain. He is stopped finally by his faithful donkey who literally speaks to him after trying to get off the road several times. The donkey could see the angel on the road sent by God to kill Balaam for this evil deed. God had to make Balaam's donkey talk to him before his eyes were opened to see the angel and his future doom.

My conscience whispered, "guilty," and then Jesus whispered, "forgiven". What a merciful and gracious Savior we serve! His plans are perfect, His way is the only way. Sometimes, I guess, I really need the donkey to literally speak. How sad this must make my Heavenly Father when I keep sneaking back to the altar and picking back up what I already laid down.

Honestly, I haven't completed a bag yet! I have this problem with perfectionism, and I need a few tutorials with my sewing machine. I also need a few uninterrupted hours to actually work. This is a dream, and not the place in life I live presently - by His design.

Thank you dear Lord for the bag adventure. It feels good to let the creative juices flow again (even barefoot, without the security of my boots and their straps).

Just for you, Beth!

This morning, I explained to Joy that speech therapy, scheduled in the afternoon, is cancelled. Due to terrible stomach issues with all three of the girls this weekend, I felt it considerate to postpone all therapies for the beginning of the week. I told Joy we would go to Ms. Beth's house on Wednesday afternoon. I thought this would mean absolutely nothing to Joy, as time doesn't seem to exist to little ones.

But, after hearing about a million times "I go to Ms. Beth's house", we had a huge breakthrough at calendar time today. Joy ran to the calendar, pointed to Wednesday, and said, "I go to Ms. Beth's house - Wednesday." Break through! Every calendar time this year has not been in vain! Joy understands the days of the week!

We look forward to seeing you on Wednesday, Ms. Beth. I will hear about it at least once every awake hour until we arrive at your house. :)

A Big Accomplishment!

Oh, how I love this little girl!

The other morning, she ascended the stairs at the crack of dawn. She had the appearance of having been awake for hours, so very happy to see me awake, finally. I was pedalling away, having only had about 20 minutes on my bike. She came into the room, sat quietly for about 15 minutes, and then I suggested she go to the bathroom and change her pull up.

I pedalled away, losing track of time in the quiet, solitary moments. And then, panic hit me. The panic that hits every mother when she knows her world has become too quiet (with little ones awake around!). I leaped off my bike and ran to the bathroom.

Joy sat on the potty, her face beaming.

"I poo!" she exclaimed.

"I can see that. Did you wait for Mommy to help you?"

She shook her head with satisfaction and pride. She had used up the toilet paper, had opened the wipes container and used up several wipes. She had carefully placed her soiled wipes on top of her old pull-up, and was patiently waiting - for at least 10 minutes! I helped her complete her task and gave her a huge hug.

"How grown-up!" I proclaimed.

Her face spoke a thousand words! What an accomplishment!

The Box

Jesus always speaks powerfully to me while I'm running. The other day, on a mid-day run, He quite literally brought me to my knees (I'm sure a frightening sight for an on-looking neighbor!).

We live in a world full of boxes. The goal is to find "the box", the box you fit into perfectly. There are so many boxes to choose from, too many choices really. Most of us find our box, where we feel comfortable and safe - free. Inside our box, we find others who make their home there as well. We develop relationships and rely on one another. We become a family. Our world loves these boxes. If you fit into a box, everything is swell. Of course we have small disagreements, but, for the most part, we are all family - functioning smoothly within our boundaries. There are few that are born to not fit into a box. We don't think about these few, for they are not in our box.

We learn of those who are called out of their boxes. We marvel at their courage to step out of the "safe" boundaries. We aspire to be like them if the calling comes. We try to encourage them on their walk. We pretend we understand what they are feeling and experience; sometimes, we live vicariously through them.

What box does my Joy fit into? For most of her 6 years I have been searching. I've even tried to squeeze her into a few boxes, just so she can feel the acceptance and love the boundaries provide. I received the calling to step out of my box and leaped right out. Anything for my precious Joy. I always told God I'd honor the call, no matter the cost. After all, we just haven't found her box yet, and someday we'll all settle back into our safe, comfortable boundaries.

The truth is, it is lonely outside the box. It's hard to live with the consequences of stepping out. It's hard to defend the reasons to unbelievers, who seem to have lost their interest anyway. It's easy to believe the enemy when he whispers how wrong my decisions may be and reminds me of my solitude. It's easy to forget He's right beside me (Ps. 23:4, Ps. 118:6), even though my head knows the Truth. It's easy to be so angry and confused...

....and as I ran, God gently reminded me that my Joy too is not in a box. He's given me an incredible gift by allowing me to understand, just a little, just how she must feel each day of her life. She lives in a reality of not being understood, in a world where few will try to understand. She lives with being different each day, not accepted. To add to the rejections of others in her world, her sensory system throws her body into chaos at any given moment. She tries to control her body, and meets incredible challenge...and still - she smiles.

While on my knees, He reminded me of one other truth as well. There's really just one box. Our world has imagined all kinds of boxes to help us feel safe and in control, accepted and loved. However, we all live in one box where a very real God loves us and has paid the ultimate price to show us this love. It takes some of us a lifetime to come to know this love and accept it, and some of the "special" ones, like my Joy, accept and comprehend this mercy and grace without questions. She's so amazing and teaches me so much. This "one box" has no boundaries. I'll only find freedom by following the leading of my Savior and answering to Him.

It's so simple really.

I pray each and every day for glimpses into her world. Thank you Jesus for this glimpse. I don't like walking in the valley, but I can appreciate the mountains more by walking through the valley. Thank You for Joy's beautiful, gracious disposition. Thank you for bringing Joy into this world "not fitting into a box". I think I'll let her be my tour guide for a bit.