Comforting Joy

I have to thank Stephen Curtis Chapman for his album, Beauty Will Rise. What a testimony of faith, grief, and hope. I've been listening to the CD over and over again, especially #11, Jesus Will Meet You There.

When you think you've hit the bottom
And the bottom gives way
And you fall into a darkness
No words can explain
You don't know how you'll make it out alive
Jesus will meet you there

And when the doctor says, "I'm sorry, we don't know what else to do."
And you're looking at your family
Wondering how they'll make it through
Whatever road this life takes you down
Jesus will meet you there

He knows the way to wherever you are
He knows the way to the depths of your heart
He knows the way 'cause He's already been where you're going
Jesus will meet you there

When the jury says "guilty"
And the prison doors close
The one you love says nothing
But just packs up and goes
The sunlight comes and your world's still dark
Jesus will meet you there

When you failed again
And the second chances have been used
And the heavy weight of guilt and shame
is crushing down on you
And all you have is one last cry for help
Jesus will meet you there

He knows the way to wherever you are
He knows the way to the depths of your heart
He knows the way 'cause He's already been where you're going

When you realize the dreams you've had
For your child won't come true
And when the phone rings
In the middle of the night with tragic news
Whatever valley you must walk through
Jesus will meet you there
He will meet you there
Jesus will meet you there.

I realize that I am walking in a valley. I feel alone and afraid most of the time, not knowing what my next step should be. I take this responsibility to Meekia so personally. I cannot do this on my own. I'm embarrassed that I feel failure. She certainly is not a failure. Am I failing her when I don't know what to do next? Am I failing her when all I can do is hold her and cry.

The amazing gift Joy brings to me is her ability to comfort in grief. She always strokes my hair, crawls into my lap, and begins rocking back and forth. I don't understand all her words, but I do understand her heart. She has a glimpse of the true Comforter that few on this earth have seen. Thank you dear Jesus for her insight!

Christmas

We seem to be on a journey without knowing the destination. Oh, I have dreams of the destination. I am not trusting my own dreams at this time. I've come to a place of deep sadness. I am trying to escape.

Joy has loved spending Christmas at home this year. She is content to be home, in her safe surroundings. As long as she is with me, she seems to keep her system under control. I have been blessed with much snuggle time. She has played wonderfully with Faith, Promise, and Hope. I think she is happy.

I long for the day when words will be spoken freely between us and confusion and resignation do not exist. Thank you Jesus, I know this day is in my future.

Joy Is Six!

My beautiful Meekia Joy turned six years old today! Oh, how time flies! She grinned from ear to ear all day long. She shared cookies with her music class this evening - the highlight of her day!

Thank you Jesus for Joy! She radiates Your love through her smile. What a blessing she is to my world.

Psalm 37

Psalm 37 - I keep reading over and over again. Sweet, sweet manna for my weary soul! I fear that in my "waiting", I have failed to patiently rest (Ps. 37:7). Resting is just not in my nature.

He knows my circumstances and continues to provide (Ps. 37:18). Who am I to question? The truth is, the past week of rest as we celebrated Thanksgiving, Joy has been glowing. She had opportunity to watch deer eat, and relished every moment. She relaxed, watched movies, played games, and snuggled to her heart's content. She has attached herself to a few new SuperWhy toys and is the happiest I've seen her in a long while. She drew a picture for her friend at church yesterday morning and wrote her friend's name on the picture. Her first legible name! Her signing has increased, as she is excited to communicate. She has much to say, and is delighted when I understand her words. Once again, I see a pattern. Sensory Trauma leads to great cognitive growth. She is in an intellectual growth spurt again. A true gift from God to my gracious heart. I love glimpsing into her world.

Ps. 37:23-24, "The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD, And He delights in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; For the LORD upholds him with His hand."

Every step in her own time, perfectly orchestrated by our gracious Father. My heart is overwhelmed with love and joy at the thought that He "delights" in Joy. He "delights" in me when I walk with Him, rely on Him, wait on Him, ... rest in Him. He even "delights" in me when I stumble, fall down, and humbly hold my ashamed hands up to Him. He always holds me - never lets go. Ps. 37:34 says to wait on the LORD. I am reminded that to wait on the LORD is an act of faith. I know He created Joy perfectly with His purpose. I pray I am diligent to wait on Him, surging on with faith. Happiness and rest are necessary for traveling together on this journey.

The Long Defeat

I worked, listening to an old CD by Sara Groves last week and fell into a chair on #10, silent streams flowing down my cheeks. Did she write this song just for me? Truthfully, sometimes there is no strength, no ideas, no motivation. The battle ensues, but the warrior needs rest.

i have joined the long defeat
that falling set in motion
and all my strength and energy
are raindrops in the ocean
so conditioned for the win
to share in victor's stories
but in the place of ambition's din
i have heard of other glories

*and i pray for an idea
and a way i cannot see
it's too heavy to carry
and impossible to leave*

i can't just fight when i think i'll win
that's the end of all belief
and nothing has provoked it more
than a possible defeat

**

we walk a while we sit and rest
we lay it on the altar
i won't pretend to know what's next
but what i have i've offered

*and i pray for a vision
and a way i cannot see
it's too heavy to carry
and impossible to leave
and i pray for inspiration
and a way i cannot see
it's too heavy to carry
and impossible to leave
it's too heavy to carry
and i will never leave*

Sara Groves

"...I have fought the long defeat...and I'm not going to stop because we keep losing...We want to be on the winning team, but at the risk of turning our backs on the losers, no, it's not worth it." Tracy Kidder

I am weary of fighting, of trying to prove I am capable. I am weary of trying to prove the worthiness of Joy. She is worthy - no title, diagnosis, denial of benefits, will every change her worth. We have had so many "no's" lately. I honestly don't know how we will provide for her needs, and today, I am too tired to battle.

I need only look at my precious Joy and I know the fight will return. This warrior just needs to lay down her swords and rest a bit. "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

Time Out

Lately, Joy and I have been taking some time off from our normal school routine. I realize that I have been pushing so hard in one direction, while she is pushing hard in another. Being the parent and adult, I want to win in this contest. I'm finally realizing that giving in to her push could possibly be a win-win situation for us both.

I'm ashamed to admit, I have struggled lately with provision for Joy. I ask the hard questions when the needs arise and we cannot financially provide for them all. I've shut down, for all practical purposes, giving in to the hopeless feelings and grief. I was asked recently what exactly I grieve in regards to Meekia. Do I grieve her disabilities, her delays? No. I truly believe God created her perfect. Do I grieve her future? No. Again, I know God created her with a specific purpose in mind. He has a special place and job for her in this world. I grieve not being able to give her all she needs. I grieve watching my husband work so hard, and watching the money fly away so quickly. I grieve the amount of energy that seems spent in futility when I'm exhausted at the end of the day. I want to give her the world.

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts,

Nor are your ways My ways," says the LORD.

"For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

So are My ways higher than your ways,

And My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

Praise God! He is in control, and I never have been. I pray for understanding, and I stand on the promise that He will give me wisdom if I diligently seek it with all my heart. I must look to the Lord for help, to be my Savior. The Lord always goes before me. (Psalm 121:1-2)

Little Promise and Faith are two and a half now and, this week, have started going "pee-pee" on the potty. I dreaded potty-training, and therefore did not try hard until little Faith kept having a dry diaper and went in the potty every time I let her go. I've taken her cues and Faith is dry every single diaper change! With little "doing" on my part, she is overcoming and meeting an important milestone in her life. She is doing it in her time, with no frustration. I am so proud of her, and little Promise who is soon to be there as well. This is a powerful lesson again for me of just how difficult Joy's body can be, and how well she handles her frustrations with the lack of control she must desperately desire. Or is it my desperate desire? A good question to ponder....

I Corinthians 13:13 speaks powerfully to me. "And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love." I have faith, hope, and love for/in little Joy - each day in different measures. When faith and hope are sparse feelings though, because I am not perfect and do struggle, does love prevail? Is it the greatest?

I think I'll just sit on the floor with her for a few more days, playing games, reading books, holding her tight. Love prevails. I just have to trust in my Jesus to bring the faith and hope in His timing.

Jesus

God

I walked downstairs yesterday to find the two most beautiful drawings on the small fridge. I peeked into Joy's room and asked who she drew. She walked into the room, pointed to each drawing, and said (very matter-of-factly), "God" and "Jesus". She then walked right back into her room and began to play. Of course, I thought. I should have known. She always draws God and Jesus with a red crayon in her journal.

Promise and Faith on a Train Ride

Joy Day

Okay, let's try this again. I have to admit, I am not so savvy at this blogging thing yet....

Today is JOY DAY!!!!!

Today is the very special day that Meekia Joy was adopted into our family forever, exactly 5 years ago. Oh, how the time has flown! She celebrated her special day by going to church, followed by an antique car show (with about 3 train rides!), and then a burger at Red Robin. We also went on a family bike ride this afternoon.

I am so thankful for my beautiful girl! We are truly blessed by her presence in our lives every single day. Her smile lights up our hearts.

Joy Day

Chicca Chicca Boom Boom

Today Joy and I made a "Chicca Chicca Boom Boom" tree. Beautiful! She cut, tore, and glued paper. A great occupational therapy adventure. I watched her faithfully retrieve each letter sticker, name the letter, say the sound....a far cry from our math lesson this morning! We are studying "4" this week. Today we can't remember "1", "2", or "3". I know a child who knows all her letters, all the letter sounds, and many printed words should be able to comprehend numbers. Memorization is one of Joy's gifts. She hasn't yet memorized her numbers from 1 to 10.

I remember my days in the classroom. I had many students with challenges. I found opportunities to challenge these students as creative adventures. I found much stimulation in the problem-solving. What's wrong with me now! It is so different when it is your own child. I need to stop taking everything so personally. Joy's little two-year old twin sisters, Faith and Promise, spouted off the numbers 1 to 12 this morning - another bittersweet moment. I'm so very proud of them, for they have overcome so much already in their young lives. I just wanted my Joy to seem intellectually older for a bit longer.

I can feel the good Lord pushing me from behind. Reminding me of my promise to "stand up" and bravely teach this little one. I am praying for a cheerful heart and a teachable spirit. All that matters is right here in front of me. "For where your treasure is, there your heart will also be." Matthew 6:21

We're coming to the end of the 3rd week in our homeschool adventure. I have to say "Praise God", because I'm exhausted. My home feels neglected, along with the twins. I'm not quite myself lately, pulled in so many directions. On top of our insane school schedule, therapy schedule, and everyday home duties, I gave in to teaching Sunday School - a most terrible decision since I don't have time to think! Boundaries.....if I had time, I should do a word study. I seem to be losing definitions of important words by the minute!

My Joy has not transitioned into a school schedule well. She still wakes up each morning afraid she will be going to public school again. After 4 to 5 minutes of reassuring her that her classroom is right outside her bedroom, and "yes, Mommy is your teacher now", she begins her regular morning battle of refusing to go potty. I admit, I struggle to keep her on a schedule. I know the necessity, I just don't always have the energy to fight with her and keep her on task. I've not found the balance yet of direct instruction and play she desperately needs.

I battle within with just giving up. After all, I did send her to school at the tender age of 3, about 1 year old for Joy. Oh, if I could turn back time! I'd let her play and play and play to her heart's content. I sometimes wonder if all her sensory issues are not a direct result of my poor decisions. I have always wanted the best for my children. I hope I haven't pushed her too far.

She had an amazing day on Tuesday. While reading to her from a storybook without illustrations, she pointed out the words, "Daddy", "pink", and "baby". I sat astounded! She proceeded through the rest of her morning acting as a regular 5 year old. She seemed to comprehend "3", which was nothing short of a miracle since she doesn't seem to comprehend "1" or "2". She had a stellar performance in PT, and was a rock star in Speech. She read over 20 three letter words! You'd think this would encourage my spirit. But, I know my girl well enough to know what the side effects are of these "stellar" performances. For the past 48 hours I've been paying royally with extreme temper tantrums and meltdowns. I want to focus on the positive, the light....the darkness is just so hard and I seem to take it so personally. I pray she will be herself again soon. I miss her terribly.

Joy

This is my wonderful Joy. Oh, how she brightens my world! Ours is a very special connection. It seems as if we share the same heart at times, which is such a blessing from our Lord because words spoken between us are so few. If you looked up "mystery" in the dictionary, you should see her picture. She brings to my surface the very best and very worst. I'd climb any mountain, run any distance, knock on any door...just to give her everything she needs. Perhaps I already have (figuratively, of course), because I am so very tired most moments.

Onward I will march, exhausted. This mystery is worth solving. I'm learning the true gift of "glimpses of hope". These glimpses are so inspiring, so addictive. I pray for a glimpse each day and praise Him when they come.

I am somewhat fascinated with clouds at present. Oh, how the good Lord has blessed us this summer with all kinds of glorious paintings in His sky. I suppose I feel like a cloud most days- one moment a light, wispy streak across a clear blue canvas; the next moment a large, dark cumulus storming and lingering too long in one place. Oh...to be wispy all the time! I am learning much in the storms however, and am ever aware of my Savior's leading. I find myself often flying blind, gripping to faith.